Heavy Metal Massacre 1989 Review

Heavy Metal Massacre 1989

Directed by: David De Falco

Starring: David De Falco,Sami Plotkin, Americo Carrocio

873763673

Review by Luisito Joaquín González
Some guys have all the luck. Yes, indeed. And so do some movies too. Let’s take for example Nail Gun Massacre from 1985. Shot on the tiniest of budgets, it could be packaged and shipped globally to film schools as a lesson in how not to produce a feature. It’s terrible. Despite the fact that it is totally devoid of talent or professionalism, it is one of the most popular slasher movies out there. Why? Well because it’s so damn bad that it transcends beyond criticism and flies into a new frontier that makes you want to appreciate it. It’s like when you sleep so much that you make yourself tired or eat so much that you become more hungry, NGM leaps beyond the borders of rubbish and full circle into being a surreal kind of praiseworthy. I’m not aware of the budget that was spent on Terry Lofton’s slasher, 87267262but you can rest assured that it made a reasonable profit after the success it achieved on both VHS and DVD. Blue Ray to come next and a long standing reputation as an extremely popular movie. So bad that it’s good? Well yes, exactly.

What I want to explore today is what separates a title that is abysmal but likeable from one that is just plain awful. What is the magic that NGM, Don’t Go In The Woods or Houseboat Horror possess that allows them to rise above titles like Day of the Ax or Blood Lake? Heavy Metal 8737843674Massacre was released in 1989 and I picked it up for next to nothing in the mid-nineties. For reasons that I’m unable to describe, I never have managed to sit through it, despite trying numerous times. It is yet another a SLASH above exclusive and therefore a complete obscurity that has become very hard to find. Browsing online I noticed that I’m only the second author to post a review of it and the first slasher critic. It is pure back garden filmmaking in every sense of the word, but very collectible because a) it’s a rare slasher film and b) it is a Heavy Metal Horror. The mix of the two means that it will have been tracked down more times than many similarly unknown pictures that popped up and then disappeared during that decade.

On the IMDB, it has an ‘impressive’ 1.8 rating. I mean that makes it one of the worst films on a site that boasts listing over 2.2 million titles. It was written, produced, financed, edited, acted, marketed, sponsored, decorated and most likely sold 83783673door to door by David De Falco who some of you may recognise as the director of The Backlot Murders. He also notched up an awful classless torture porn feature, named Chaos. De Falco has proven himself to be an ‘interesting’ person throughout his career. Promoting the aforementioned flick from 2005, he is reported to have begun arguing with his audience at a screening of the film and spouted lines like, “I am the king of violence” and “I am the demon!” The former pro-wrestler launched a scathing attack on Roger Ebert who zero starred his movie and threw threats at attendees. Later I read that he also verbally abused a fellow blog author and offered to take him on in a wrestling bout. Should I be scared and give Heavy Metal Massacre the full 5 stars in case I get suplexed by Mr De Falco? Well, I am not much of a wrestler to be fair.

There’s not a great deal in terms of story with this one actually. De Falco plays Bobby Young, a sleaze metal dude Hot Chicawho hangs out at The Dungeon, which is a club that caters for sex drugs and rock and roll the eighties way. What he likes doing is picking up hookers or sluts, taking them back to his impressive warehouse sized flat and killing them with a sledge hammer. The friend of one of his victims goes out to try and track him down…

Being that I’m a big fan of slasher movies, I will always go out of my way to try and defend them as an entertainment form. At first, I was hoping that I could say something along the lines that Heavy Metal Massacre is not a million times worse than Bits and Pieces. In fact, they’re even quite similar. But then I began reading about David De Falco’s antics and narcism and I started to dislike the idea of giving his movie any credit. That's just a disgrace - Coke on the King's face? Man!!!Even if it were deserving of praise, which frankly it’s not.

You see, I don’t enjoy watching some unknown wannabe massage their ego on celluloid, but if it is done in an entertaining way, then I guess that I can live with it. The film starts with a collection of still photos that show ‘Bobby Young’ in various poses. Looking like the not so pretty fifth member of glam metal idols Pretty Boy Floyd, the camera lingers on each picture for at least two minutes before cutting to another from his collection. After a stream that feels like a Picasa 78276267265slideshow, we eventually get going with our horror film.

HMM is one of those movies that is best watched in parts. It’s poorly paced and has countless moments of nothingness. In fact, I swear 15% of the runtime was just out of focus shots panning the walls of Bobby’s apartment with some wacky strobe effects and the crunch of a heavy metal six string in the background. Still, somehow though, I wanted to watch it through to the end. It’s from the antagonist as protagonist school of slasher, so the other faces that appear are only included to move the plot from A to B with as little fuss as possible. Oh or to die. I counted a body count of four, which is not too bad, but it kind of felt like a gore film that was missing all the gore. There was one killing that I think was meant to be the money shot. Young ties a (surprisingly hot) chica to a crate and then puts a pair of pliers in her mouth. I was thinking that he was going to pull out her tongue, but in the end it looked like he removed a hair (?). Seriously, I have no idea. Watch the video above and let me know what you think? It’s one hell of a weird special effect. Is that what they call a hair lip?

8728726762Perhaps the biggest drawback with the film’s synopsis is that it’s impossible to believe that De Falco’s character is a serial killer at all. He comes across like a mummy’s boy and in all honesty, a bit of a geek. He lacks any kind of screen presence and seems shy, so frankly I couldn’t buy in to the whole insane lunatic thing. The minimalistic plot attempts to incorporate a couple of cops that are on the case of the cocaine snorting killer, but it’s written unrealistically and clearly by someone who has no idea of police procedure. For example they’re hunting a mad man that has slaughtered various people (one with a chainsaw) and when a witness calls up and says that she may have him in her home, they say, “Ok try and stall him and we’ll be there soon”. Really? Stall a maniacal killer? Isn’t that a tad dangerous? It does soon become very clear that the whole picture is just a vanity showcase for a guy with a few dollars who thinks that he has star potential. 87267265262

In a twisted way, we should all aspire to be like David De Falco. The guy is so confident that he has been a wrestler, director and has never given up on his (and only his) belief that hWhat's the first thing that pops in to your head?e has something to offer the world as a celebrity. He’s also on Twitter where he updates his 81 followers about what he gets up to on a daily basis. The songs for the movie were performed by a group called The Electric Afterburner band. I would bet you my last dollar that our friend De Falco was involved with them too. To have that much self belief is impressive, but sadly in his place it’s slightly delusional.

So what I learned from my experiment was that not every movie can be so bad that it’s good. Some of them are just plain bad. Heavy Metal Massacre is one of those. It’s not inadvertently funny, it’s not cool. It’s just absolute tosh. Don’t bother with it…

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:

Gore

Final Girl

RATING: a-slash-above-logo-211

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Posted on February 2, 2013, in Pure Eighties Cheese, Slasher and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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