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Girls Gone Dead 2012 Review

Girls Gone Dead 2012

aka Bikini Spring Break Massacre

Directed by: Michael Hoffman Jr., Aaron T. Wells

Starring: Katie Peterson, Shea Stewart, Brandy Whitford

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Review by Luis Joaquín González

I often wonder if exploitation cinema may be reaching its date of expiration. For decades, a host of low-budget titles would provide horror, shocks, nudity and gore that would fulfill both morbid curiosities 763w7632762872982982092092and rebellious desires. Having grown up during the tail-end of the exploitation boom, I experienced first hand the excitement of hunting out hand-drawn VHS covers and guessing what forbidden treasures might be included within. Nowadays of course, the most explicit content imaginable can be found quite easily with a Google search, which is why I wonder whether the market might be drying up for the exploitation genre.6565768787989898

Released in 2012, Girls Gone Dead was marketed as a T&A slasher; – a style that we saw in abundance during the noughties. Generally, T&A slashers lack technical quality in their attempts at delivering terror, so they up the ante with nudity and silicone enhanced ‘babes’. Good examples of the phenomenon are, Strip Club Slasher, Porn Shoot Massacre, Blood and Sex Nightmare, Fatal Delusion, Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre, Fatal Pulse and Massacre at Rocky Ridge. As I alluded to in my opening paragraph, I can’t help but assume that the growth of free-access online porn has stolen a percentage of the audience for titles that sell themselves on having a couple of extra nudity shots. 

A group of girlfriends head off to the remote mansion of one of the troupe’s fathers for a weekend of crazy partying. Missy, the daughter of an over-zealous church member, promises that she will let her hair down and finally break the shackles that have been imposed on her by her incredibly strict mother. Excitement leads to disappointment when they learn that their ‘house of fun’ is actually located in a 6w767687287298298209092retirement community. The bad news gets worse when a hulking masked killer turns up with a large axe…

Whilst T&A slashers are my least favourite sub-category of our favourite sub-genre, I will never complete my mission of reviewing the entire pool of these flicks if I don’t go against my preferences from time to time. I’m reminded of something a girl I met in Kraków once told me, “Be more intelligent than the rest, without making it obvious”. Another suitable quote might be, “The smartest disguise is that of the clueless clown”. I mention these because, GGD is an interesting addition to the slasher collection and it’s one that may have a hidden layer.873873873983983093093

I watched it straight after Most Likely To Die and whilst they are both modern slasher movies with slick productions, they are totally different beasts cinematically. MLTD spent a while expanding the complex identities of its unique personalities, whilst GGD rolls out the clichés without a second look. Directors Michael Hoffman and Aaron T. Wells have a ball with their cast of attractive bunnies and said bunnies carry the lengthy exposition parts comfortably. At 102 minutes, I was expecting the momentum to stagnate whilst watching the girls getting drunk and pulling off the predicted shenanigans, but the script has enough wit and endeavour to keep things moving. There’s a sub-plot about an adult porno/big-brother type website, which I initially thought was an unnecessary diversion. It leads to a house party sequence that includes a humorous (if misplaced) cameo from Ron Jeremy, tonnes of bikini-clad bimbos and an abusive wannabe Hugh Hefner with a face that you’d love to punch. With a crowbar. Thankfully, the killer turns up and puts an abrupt end to the decadence with his trusty hatchet. Due to the cameras that were capturing the boogieing hotties, some footage of the murders is posted 763328732982982982982online and we get to see our key players watch it, in jest, a short while later. The irony didn’t escape me that they were mocking the earlier massacre, whilst blissfully unaware that they’re next on the maniac’s list.

Eventually the killer turns up to take care of Missy and her pals, and begins picking them off one by one as they wander off to get up to mischief. Hoffman and Wells go all guns blazing and deliver some brutal murders and gratuitous gore. We get an antagonist dressed in a robe and cherub mask (nod to Valentine?) and there’s a few interesting set-ups, including the death of a valiant chica that I really felt deserved to escape the maniac’s clutches. It’s fair to say that 90% of the runtime sustains an ‘entertaining’ (but non threatening) tone, although the final twenty-minutes did deliver some really neat tension and a couple of scares. I mentioned earlier that these types of pictures are generally pretty shabby from a technical perspective, but that’s not the case with this one and the directors pull off some interesting stuff. Some other reviews that I have read criticised the mystery saying that it was too easy to guess who it was under the mask. In honesty though, I didn’t notice it to be worse (or better) than any other slasher/whodunit I’ve seen of late. One thing I will say is that I often complain about unlikeable characters in modern entries, but GGD managed to even make me root for the spoiled brat. That’s a real 763763763873873983093achievement.

Going back to the comparison with Most Likely to Die, for the best part of GGD, I was thinking that it lacked the intelligence in scripting and preferred ticking boxes over attempting MLTD’s more ambitious style of storytelling. Later though, I noticed the aforementioned ‘hidden layer’ and that GGD possibly included a subtle comment on modern voyeurism and the easy access to society’s ills via social media, which in effect makes them dangerously acceptable. Perhaps there was also a nod to parental relations and how there comes a time when padres need to accept generational differences. I also noticed a view on religious fanaticism and how certain ideologies have become outdated with the technologies and desires 76327632872872982982090922of modern society. Then again, maybe it’s just a silly slasher and I was overreaching when i noticed those depths…? 

What I can be sure of is that Girl’s Gone Dead is an entertaining and fun entry that is as close as it gets to an eighties cheese flick without being an eighties cheese flick. It’s overlong; for sure. Actually, if they removed all the cuts away to Ron Jeremy and his chums, the film would work a damn site better. Still, I managed to remain hooked and I couldn’t ask for more than that. In reference to my comment on the fading appeal of exploitation pictures, it’s fair to say, if they’re this fun, there’s still a market for them. Oh and one last thing, I’ve proved many times on a SLASH above that the IMDB is an awful guide to slasher movies. Well this one has a rating of 3.5 on there! Stop the world, I want to get off…

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:√√√√

Gore:√√√

Final Girl:√√√

RATING: a-slash-above-logo11a-slash-above-logo-211

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Zombiefied 2011 Review

Zombiefied 2011

Directed by: Todd Jason Cook

Starring: Rebecca Torrellas, Mike Gebbie, Lisa Whiteman

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Review by Luis Joaquín González

Running a site that is purely dedicated to reviewing only the truest of stalk and slash entries is great, but I must admit that sometimes there are films that I’d like to cover, but can’t because they don’t fit the 76376328738398398309093309template. I believe I’ve stayed faithful to only posting genuine entries, but the one that I’m most unsure of is The Dead Pit. My rationale for including it was because, sure, it’s a zombie movie, but there is really so much in the first half that reminded me of our favourite film style. The hulking masked doctor, the 763763873298298292092092terrorised final girl, stalking sequences and heavy breath POV shots; it’s hard not to look at those ingredients and think: stalk and slash. 

Actually, it’s interesting that there have been so few true crossbreeds, but that’s where Zombiefied stands apart. Director Todd Jason Cook has said that he set out to make this picture the truest amalgamation ever released and so I was keen to see what he could achieve. Would this be a post that I would be confident could sit comfortably with the rest and tick the right boxes? 

Well, it all kicks off in a bedroom with a naked chick and a guy sharing lines of coke. As if on cue, the girl says with a knowing nod, “I’m off to take the obligatory shower”. Whilst she’s scrubbing away (in gratuitous close-up), her partner hears a noise in the kitchen and goes to investigate. He comes across a creepy mannequin that’s holding an MP3 player, but before he has a chance to raise the alarm, he is stabbed from behind by an unseen killer. Next up, the maniac goes to take care of his bathing girlfriend, but just as we are waiting for the anticipated slashing, out jumps the ‘zombiefied’ corpse of her recently 87387323983983093deceased partner and it begins chewing on her neck! So, a zombie, a hulking killer, blood, a jump scare, a fantastic pair of (natural) boobies and cocaine. It’s fair to say that there have been worse opening scenes. 

Next up we head over to a heavy metal club called, Röcbar, where a concert is in full flow. As the group perform, the nut job from earlier (who’s now sporting a Nixon mask that’s identical to the one from Horror House on Highway 5) subtlety murder’s the DJ and inserts a CD into the music system. The new sound seems to have a strange effect on the crowd and they begin morphing into zombies and attacking those that haven’t yet turned – cue pandemonium. After a violent struggle, one band and their singer manage to escape the carnage and flee into the streets that are now filled with roaming re-animated corpses. We soon learn that a similar occurrence has happened once before, but not on such a grand scale. With the Police unwilling to assist, it’s left up to the gang of 874874874984984984rockers to prevent the plague from spreading and find a cure. They’ll have to do so whilst avoiding the flesh hungry zombies and a malevolent masked killer… 

It gives me great pleasure to tell you that Zombiefied is a truly entertaining horror flick that may be rough around the edges, but delivers a rugged ride that’s unlike anything I’ve previously seen. It’s full to the brim with bloody action and it rarely allows you to catch a breath as the corpses drop. The plot unravels amongst hordes of murderous zombies that chow their way through an impressive number of victims. The director flings everything into 8738728729820920920-20-2the cooking pot to conjure up a gore-laden stew. Your taste buds may not be totally tickled by every mouthful, but it’ll leave your belly too fulfilled to complain about the service. 

Director Todd Cook has had a film reviewed here on a SLASH above previously of course, but Evil Night was a totally different beast that simply had no structure. People would walk on screen with no introduction, get killed and the same thing would happen once over. He does revert to a similar technique at times here, because there are a lot of nameless and eminently pointless victims that are lined up like pins only to be bowled over with minimal fuss. Zombiefied overcomes that though, because everything’s held together by a central concept that’s progressively intriguing and addictive. We follow a group of likeable characters that are desperately trying to find a cure for the epidemic and even if the way that the story choses to write out the authorities 76387387329829829209209is laughable, there are various tweaks that maintain our engagement.  

Not everyone agrees with my stringent view on what makes up a true ‘slasher’ movie, but seeing as I am strict with my idea of the guidelines, I wondered what I’d make of a zombie/slasher cocktail. In fairness to Cook, he shows respect to both genres and their principles. The living dead are the modern kind that sprint after their prey, but the slasher scenes are traditional, with a hulking masked killer that has a calling card 764376387387398398398309(aforementioned mannequin) and a traditional slo-mo stalk. The army of gut-munchers are under the control of the boogeyman and sometimes he uses them to devour his prey instead of a blade or axe. Even if this concept sounds like it may be tough to digest, I have to give credit to Cook for making the blend so palatable. He pulls of a number of moods and even chucks in suspense on occasion, which magnifies during the slasher scenes. We also get fair amount of gore, a couple of hot-ish chicas, a riveting mystery, an open-ending and the chance of a sequel, which I’d personally like to see. Perhaps 87287387287287298298202the best thing of all is that an hour and forty-five minutes is a long time for a horror movie, but it really flew by. I was watching without alcohol too! 

From a technical perspective, Zombiefied is not a perfect movie experience. The thrash metal soundtrack is not for all tastes, it’s a bit casually scripted and it suffers the flaw that ‘plagues’ all zombie movies, which is, how much can really be done with the same MO? I honestly believe though that there’s so much here that works that you can accept those minor gripes because it’s a real extravaganza of horror excess. I liked it so much that I was disappointed to see that Cook doesn’t have any other projects currently in the pipeline. I would never have said that when all I knew of his work was Evil Night and Night of the Clown. I can accept titles like that if they lead on to a wider plan and Zombiefied may well be his masterpiece.

Finally we have a zombie/slasher that truly can fit in with its brothers here. 

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:√√

Gore:√√√

Final Girl:√√

RATING: a-slash-above-logo11a-slash-above-logo11

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Blood and Sex Nightmare 2008 Review

Blood and Sex Nightmare 2008

Directed by: Joseph R Kolbek

Starring: Julia Morizawa, Andy McGuinness, Tina Krause

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Review by Luis Joaquín González

Ok… Blood and Sex Nightmare (!)… Me, I’m a practical joker and I like nothing more than making my 43456565768787989887766day more entertaining by pulling office pranks. There are a lot of cinema fans in my workplace and what I’ve been doing lately is dropping this title amongst a plethora of others when in the midst of a film conversation. For example if I’m asked about directors I respect, I’ll say, ‘Lynch for Mulholland Drive, Buñeal for El Ángel Exterminador and Kolbek for Blood and Sex Nightmare.’ Or when discussing top movies, my recent choices have been, ‘Scarface, Goodfellas, The Godfather oh and Blood and Sex Nightmare, have you seen that?’ The funny thing is, people look at you like it’s some artsy European classic that they really should know about. I’ve even had workmates pretend they’ve already watched it. Try it next time you get the chance, you’ll thank me after….

Anyway, so in reality this tin-pot slasher is pretty hard to find much information on, but it was one of a number that crept out towards the end of the noughties and attempted to mix slasher action with softcore porn. It’s similar in a way to Porn Shoot Massacre, Massacre at Rocky Ridge and the like, but at $3000 for a production budget it’s a damn site cheaper even than those pocket-money entries. 

 

It tells the tale of a boyfriend who wants to make-out with his girl, but the chances of that happening seem even less assured, because she’s just returned from her father’s funeral. In a bizarre 456576767687878787767676move, he offers to take her to an adult (sex) retreat for a weekend and even though she’s not really comfortable with the idea, she tags along out of fear of him leaving her. Little do the pair know that the site is the home of a deranged zombie/ghost that likes to slaughter visitors and torture them sexually. 

I respect the fact that my readers, you beauties, are smart enough to know that Blood and Sex Nightmare (costing $3000) is not going to redefine the genre. So keeping in mind that we’re well aware already that it’s trash, we can begin to look at it a bit more objectively. What I mean is, 454565768787766565657687we can define the level of its trashiness and measure it up against other such titans of the trash basket. 

To be fair, the cheap grainy SOV footage, a creepy sound effect for the killer’s heavy breath and a simple yet ominous score, do give Nightmare a rather gritty back garden tone. Due to the budget (or therefore lack of), it’s filmed with a husky fog around the visuals, so it kind of looks how you’d imagine a snuff film might. When we see the level of the dramatics though, we know that it’s definitely not snuff that we’re witnessing. I doubt that real people moan like their tea is cold whilst they’re being gruesomely mutilated. (Not that I’d know of course). First (and last) time director Joe Kolbek lays his cards on the table right from the start by showing us an unknown man getting his penis chopped off in the first ten-minutes. What follows from there is just under an hour of sex, blood and, well, a nightmare in terms of stylish direction and character definition. I feel stupid criticising the lack of any background on the victims, because Kolbek seems to paddle comfortably in the fact that he’s doing exactly what he set out 454565767766545445to do without any care in the world for credible filmmaking. I guess, in a way, we have to take our hat off to him for that. 

The only real story elements are based around our lead couple and the struggles that they are facing in their relationship. These parts are surprisingly well written and give our heroine a likeable persona. There are quite a few murders and tonnes of nudity (full frontal too) so at just under an hour, you’ll never get bored. Our killer is a zombie-type guy that wants to be reborn, but in order to achieve this, he needs a virgin, which funnily enough our heroine is. This leads to a tasteless scene in which he masturbates blood over her whilst she lays their screaming. I’m not a fan of stuff like that and I’m not sure who is, but in this movie, it didn’t feel out of 434566768787878787877676place at all. After watching my favourite scream queen Tina Krause get her vagina mutilated, I think I was prepared for anything. 

So what’s left to say? Well, not much of note, but the make-up for the killer was actually quite good and the penis chopping scene was uncomfortably realistic. Oh, and, I share my reviews on Facebook, Twitter and up until a while ago on my LinkedIn profile. My boss pulled me to one side recently and said, ‘Look Luis, you’ve got CEOs in your contact list and maybe posting stuff like Sandy Hook Lingerie Massacre is not right for our company profile.’ I’m just glad I stopped it before publishing Blood and Sex Nightmare. It does what it says on the tin…

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:

Gore: √√

Final Girl:√√

RATING:a-slash-above-logo11

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Samhain 2002 Uncut Workprint Review

Samhain 2002

aka Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain

Directed by: Christian Viel

Starring: Jennifer Jameson, Chasey Lain, Ginger Lynn

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Review by Luisito Joaquín González

So before we kick off, it’s important that I tell you that this review is of the workprint that I got my hands on in 2002 (Thanks very much to Christian Viel) under the 7474873478387383983film’s original title of Samhain. It turns out that the copy released later as Evil Breed, was heavily butchered by Lionsgate and includes numerous scenes that were shot by a different director. I haven’t seen that version, so I’m unaware of exactly how much of this footage was kept, but judging by the reviews that I’ve read scattered around the web, it ended up as a bit of a jumbled mishmash. Please forgive me if you go and buy the DVD and it excludes most of the stuff that I’m going to write about here.

Secondly, I took the liberty of posting a picture of Chasey Lain. Now this is not from the movie, which was made after she got hooked on drugs and lost that traffic-stopping beauty. But hey, when would I get another opportunity, eh? Ok, back to the film…

If you were a director that was looking to cast female victims for a slasher movie, then surely it would make sense to add a couple of porn stars? It’s not as if they’re inexperienced in front of the camera, they have no qualms with the requisite nudity and how many unattractive porn queens can you name? Christian Viel obviously recognized the potential of mixing hardcore actresses with hard-gore effects and so he cast four of adult cinema’s sexiest and most notorious stars. Jenna Jameson, Chasey Lain, Ginger Lynn Allen and Taylor Hayes all turn up for cameos in arguably the most intriguing slasher flick to be released since Scream reinvigorated the genre.

Five Canadian/American students and their teacher head to Southern Ireland as part of their history course. Upon 8738738383893983983arrival they are told the legend of a cannibalistic clan that roamed the hills of Scotland and murdered locals for food. The cannibals were eventually caught and burnt at the stake, but it’s rumoured that one of the tribe escaped and headed to the woodland of Ireland to find refuge. After the kids have settled and begun doing what all massacre-fodder does in these flicks, the mandatory goody two-shoes (and definite heroine candidate) begins to be spooked by a shadow creeping around late at night. Could it be that the flesh hungry maniac is still at large in the Forest? Well what do you think…?

Samhain suffered terribly throughout a nightmare production and seems to have been jinxed right from the get-go. It had been initially scheduled for an October 2002 cinematic release to coincide with the Halloween based date of the story, but over a year later, the best that it could muster was a trip to DTV land on the Film 2000 label. (Yeah, the guys that gave us crap like Paranoid, Carnage Road et al). Almost 67546747478487383893983as soon as the shoot started, Wal-Mart refused to develop Jenna Jameson’s nude make-up shots and Chasey Lain began acting like a drugged-out primadonna on set, which upset cast and crew members. Finally to add insult to injury, the producers got cold feet just before the flick was about to hit shelves and began talking of re-editing everything and removing all the gore. Reports have said that they were unhappy about the copious amounts of violence and wanted to trim scenes down so it would achieve an R rating. Veil of course disagreed, seeing how his entire synopsis was boosted by its creatively graphic display. Eventually after months of arguments, the director parted company with Warehouse productions and the feature was locked in the vaults.

It is because of these issues that Veil’s slasher is a tough one to rate accurately. The workprint that I received came without a completed soundtrack, but all the gooey parts were full and intact. I 7867656was impressed that it boasted a few credible jump-scares, some luscious cinematography and a couple of the most disturbing set pieces that I’ve seen for some time. One guy is disemboweled via his rectum before being strangled with his own intestine, Jenna Jameson is stripped naked and gutted in unflinching close up and Chasey Lain ends up ‘spilling her guts’ after an unfortunate rescue attempt from her boyfriend (Richard Grieco).

Even if the murders are uncommonly gruesome, Samhain never feels mean-spirited, which is due to the characters being thinly portrayed as little more than typical slasher clichés. The dialogue was not so much inspired by Wes Craven’s Scream as it was flagrantly cut and pasted, and they never really invested in developing the personnel beyond a basic level. Certainly the inclusion of Jenna Jameson was a great move by Veil, due 7436747387378438744to her massive global following and profile. Her fans will be pleased to know that she whips off her top (as expected) and so do Chasey Lain and Taylor Hayes too. Samhain is no soft porn movie though, and when it gets its hands dirty with the horror parts, the tone really does turn grim. Veil’s direction is sharp and he provides some much-needed injections of suspense. Even if the film includes countless nods to Halloween (going as far as to include footage from the movie), Veil choses to follow the Joe D’amato ‘gross-out’ methodology. There are a few attempts of humour in the script that feel somewhat misplaced and unnecessary, because there was real 9832783673comedy to be found in Ginger Lynn’s shameful attempt at an Irish accent. I have to give her some credit for a great battle with the hulking killer though and it was well choreographed by Alan Chou. Hilarious pronunciation aside, she probably gave the most energy to her character and out-performed the majority of the non-porno actors and actresses, which isn’t a huge compliment, but still…

The final cut that is available of Samhain removed most of the gore that was in this workprint, which is a shame, because I would have liked to have seen how it would have looked with sound and all the trimmings. Despite Veil’s vision never being completely fulfilled, this version is worth checking out for a slice of exploitation that we haven’t seen to such an extent since the times of titles like Giallo a Venezia (1979). That also had a few extreme moments, but more importantly for this comparison, it was poorly acted, roughly made and never gained much recognition. It may not be Veil’s fault that this one ended up in such a mess, but the net result is still a feature that could, would and most certainly should have been a contender. It ultimately wasn’t though.

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:

Gore: √√√√

Final Girl: √√

RATING:securedownload (1)a-slash-above-logo11

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* Review originally posted 12/11/2002

Skinner 1993 Review

Skinner 1993

Directed by: Ivan Nagy

Starring: Traci Lords, Ted Raimi, Ricki Lake

Review by Luisito Joaquín González

Skinner was released three years before Scream and at a time when the slasher genre was most definitely at its lowest ebb. This is not so much an entry in the style of Halloween, Friday the 13th et al and instead plays more like Maniac or Bits and Pieces and gives the killer the majority of the screen time. These type of plot structures owe more in heritage to Blood Feast than they do Blood and Black Lace, but in the blur of the early eighties overkill period, they were pushed together and can now both be classified within the category.

Skinner is cut of somewhat finer cloth than the majority of titles that were hitting the bottom shelves during the early nineties. This is visible in the cast, which is perhaps the most intriguing thing about the feature. Ted Raimi is a cult figure amongst horror fans, because despite the success of his brother Sam, he is quite a selective actor and prefers cameos in low-budget projects. Also along for the ride is Ricki Lake, before she lost a few pounds and became a huge draw for prime time US television. Traci Lords gets top billing and she is an actress with one of the most interesting stories that I can remember. By now everyone’s aware of her porn star roots and the fact that her one false ID card almost brought down the entire Adult industry. It’s the effort that she has put in to reinventing herself, even though she has so many haters in the entertainment sector that has allowed me to develop a respect for her. Obviously a beautiful woman, she plays down her looks here and accepts a role that offers her the chance to rise above her reputation. From what I understand, she has become her own worst enemy by blaming others for her earlier career choices, when it was fraudulent behavior on her part that allowed her to get work in X rated films in the first place. I prefer to look at her talent for dramatics over her previous ‘convictions’ though, and was keen to see how she’d get on in a ‘skin flick’ that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase.

A drifter rents a room from a lonely housewife and begins to build a relationship with her. Little does she know 948747843983093093-03however that he is a twisted sadist who flays hookers that he picks up on the street. Before long, he decides to reveal his darkest secret…

Director Ivan Nagy has done an amazing job of building a desolate world for his plot to boil in on the smallest of funding. Skinner is a bleak, dreary feature, which takes place in a grimy graffiti filled world of depression and there’s no redemption for any of the characters that carry the story. The plot revolves around the madness of Dennis Skinner and his murderous lust for blood, but the other players also lack morals. Traci Lords’ Heidi is a one of his former victims with a morphine addiction and an unhealthy obsession for revenge, whilst Ricki Lake is an insecure housewife that falls to the temptation to commit adultery on her stay away husband. I was impressed how they showed quite cleverly the ways in which people are insensitive to the feelings of others and the script conveys the struggles of everyday life in a poverty-stricken hell hole.

All the actors get a chance to shine and Lords has a couple of very good scenes. Raimi’s best part is the goriest of 874748734983983093093the feature, which is missing from R rated prints. He describes the roots of his madness to a hooker that he just killed whilst he mutilates her corpse; and it builds up to the money shot of him ripping off her entire face. He is cool, calm and chilling as the deranged serial killer and he pulls it off with believable efficiency. The effects from KNB are uncomfortably realistic and the parts that see Raimi stalking for victims in a suit made of skin are creepy and amusing at the same time. There’s no pressing suspense or tension, but it’s not that kind of film. Instead of aiming for edge of your seat tension, the director was looking for sleazy depravity; and he succeeds in delivering it.

This can’t really be called much of a gore flick, because only one murder allows KNB to unleash some of their talent, but there’s a fairly large body count. Even if the majority of the victims are those of the ‘walk on to get killed’ variety, there are no major gaps or moments where the film feels that it will become tedious. Funnily enough, the musical accompaniment was provided for the most part by Keith Arem, who soon after would build a mega successful career as a director and composer for big budgeted video games, including the Call of Duty series. He does nothing exceptional here, but his subtle under-scoring adds somewhat to the moody atmosphere. Ivan Nagy shows no real flair for creative conveyance, but at the same time, maintains a solid momentum. He boasts almost as interesting a life story as his lead actress, especially because of his notorious relationship with 83735242Heidi Fleiss. He was already a convicted bookmaker when the two met and he went on to introduce her to the world of prostitution. Lords’ character here has been named after Fleiss, so maybe there was still something between them when this was developed? I’m sure that his first-hand experiences in those areas helped him to deliver such a grim virtual landscape on screen.

This entry may be a tad off-key for some viewers and it kind of ends with a feeling of nothingness. There’s no questions 8958754874983983093093answered, no bonds built and no mysteries solved. The cast members are nobodies to us, the viewer and with such a long runtime, I would have appreciated some more development. With that said, it remains effective in its gruesomeness and outrageous in its delivery.

Although Skinner is no hidden gem, it does have a few powerful sequences and deserves praise solely for that. I have not seen many horror movies that carry such a dense lake of morbid surroundings and it breaks the ‘happy ending’ mold.

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:

Gore:√√√

Final Girl: √

RATING:

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Buried Alive 1990 Review

Buried Alive 1990

Directed by: Gerard Kikoine

Starring: Robert Vaughn, Donald Pleasence, Karen Witter

Review by Luisito Joaquín González

The tag-lines that were sprawled across this colourful cover would lead you to believe that it was more 84743673783893983983of a zombie adventure. ‘Some secrets are best left buried. But will they stay there?‘ and ‘The dead return!‘ make this sound as if it’s yet another attempt at a Dawn of the Dead rip-off. Bizarrely enough, these marketing ‘errors’ were seen a lot more than they should have been during the eighties, check: Embalmed, Ghost Keeper and Zombie Island Massacre for proof. I bought it anyway, as it was one of those titles that I had seen many times gathering dust on the top shelf of my local VHS emporium, and I often wondered what it was like. (Stalk and slash872367239872920939834873 films aren’t my only vice, you know.) Anyway it turned out to be pure slasher cheese, right down to a masked killer preying on young female students in an all girl reform school.

I was also interested that this claimed to be adapted from the works of Edgar Allan Poe. By this, they mean the short story (one of his best) ‘Premature Burial’. There’s a TV movie that goes by the identical title and was released during the same year (although this was made twenty-four months earlier) that was also based on that novel.

It opens with some gloomy shots of an eerie looking building silhouetted by the foggy night sky. The sign outside 874334873893983reads ‘Ravens croft Reform School’ and Inside we see a group of teenage girls all deeply sleeping, except for one dark-haired youngster who looks as if she’s packing her things to make a daring escape. She puts her rucksack on her back and heads towards the exit. Just before she leaves, her friend calls her back and gives her a leaving present – a blue switch-blade – and then she says her goodbyes and heads out into the misty night sky.

She hotfoots it through the woods, until she spots a car driving along a road in the distance. She takes a break for just a second, and all of a sudden a masked assailant jumps out from within the bushes and violently knocks her on 983872982982092to the floor. He picks her up and drops her into a man made pothole and she falls into a corrugated steel tube that leads into a dank and spooky underground chamber. She awakes to see the grisly psycho standing menacingly above her. He injects her with a sedative, puts her in a straight jacket and then drags her by the feat to a cramped cell-like room. Once inside the assassin begins to brick and cement up the doorway, effectively leaving her ‘Buried Alive’…

Next we meet a young science teacher named Janet Pendleton (Karen Witter) who has just got a job teaching at the college. We also see the head doctor Gary Julian (Robert Vaughn), his twitchy assistant Dr. Schaeffer (Donald Pleasence) and a group of bitchy female co-eds who enjoy nothing more than pulling each others hair out. (Later 786734783873983983quite literally) When another girl goes missing from the campus, Janet becomes suspicious and investigates the history of Ravenscroft, only to find a sincere and shocking secret. But who is it that is violently killing the young helpless girls?

With a cast including Robert Vaughn, Donald Pleasence, John Carradine and porn star Ginger Allen, and a plot that pits a group of saucy female co-eds against a vicious psychopath, Buried Alive should have had enough in its manbag to offer a decent entry to the cycle. Gerard Kikoine attempts to seduce you 872672872872982with his claim that this is adapted from the twisted mind of that famous author, but to be honest, apart from the odd black cat popping up here and there, it’s standard stalk and trash. In fact, it is so weakly put together that even the generous amount of genre luminaries seemed to succumb to the ‘pitiful performance’ bug. I mean, what the hell was Donald Pleasence thinking here? I never thought that I could describe one of his characterisations as ‘obnoxious’ – a million miles away from his legendary 838732872982092092092Sam Loomis. It probably didn’t help to put him in a dodgy toupee and a give the Nottinghamshire-born Brit a role that required a German accent. Anyway, he is by no means the only one here to be slummmmmmmmmingggggg… (Ahem, Mr Vaughn…!)

The screenplay by Jake Chesi must have been written in the director’s native French, translated to Swahili and then put through the Google translate equivalent of those days to make it look this jumbled. In one scene Miss Pendleton has another of her strange nightmares, which begun plaguing her as soon as she arrived on campus and reached quadruple figures before the final credits rolled. She ends up lying on the floor, panting, sweating and hysterically screaming. Dr Julian witnesses this unsettling episode and instead of rushing to her aid, asks with the oomph of water-logged crisp packet, ‘Is something 873783673672872982wrong?’ I was expecting a sarcastic response along the lines of, ‘No, this is generally how I relax myself to sleep’ – but the screenwriter didn’t gives us that pleasure, unfortunately. Also at one point the doctor asks the shaky heroine if she’ll marry him. No harm in that you may think; but the funny thing is, the two of them only met a couple of days earlier. I kept wondering if I had  fallen asleep for a while. I’m all for being spontaneous, but Mr Vaughn dear sir, I would at least recommend a substantial prenup.

I enjoyed the creative ways that they dreamed up to kill off the cast though. They included a painful looking electrocution, a trough in the side of the head and a young girl that gets buried up to her waste in wet cement. When she screams for help, she gets her mouth ‘concreted’ to shut her up. The director at least shows promise with a 987387232672783983couple of decent ideas, including some morbid shots of the rotten corridors of the creepy chamber, which are accompanied by the victim’s screams as they get dragged off to their demise. Each unlucky individual spots a black cat before they are dispatched, which as I earlier alluded to, is the only real noticeable element lifted from Poe. I remember also at least one very gory scene that will liven you up if you end up nodding off. A female teen is curling her hair on a food mixer (?) when she’s scared by an unseen menace (presumably the masked maniac), and ends up drilling into her head and pulling her hair completely off of her scalp…Ouch!

It’s also worth noting that the killer sports a Reagan mask to disguise his identity. This is interesting because Reagan’s rein was notorious for many things, and one of them was cutting the federal funding for mental institutions across the US, 83738739823092092which meant many people still needing treatment were thrown out on to the street. I was thinking that maybe this was a slight dig at those policies, but then I wasn’t sure if I was right in crediting such an inane script with hidden intelligence.There’s really no point in including subliminal political statements in a screenplay, if you can’t develop characters, dialogue or even common sense; but hey ho.

This was the last film that John Carradine worked on before his untimely death in 1988, which sadly wasn’t the greatest to close the curtain on a five-decade career in the movies with. It’s not that it doesn’t try; it’s just 873673672872that with a cast of sexy youngsters that were only too eager to reveal some skin, a decent enough budget and some senior faces with bundles of experience, the movie really shouldn’t have been this dull. Kikoine had worked with Jess Franco for years and although I am no great fan of his, we could have used some of his exploitation leering to liven things up. It’s occasionally interesting but mostly predictable and long winded.

Although it pains me to steer you away from the slasher genre and into the land of thriller features, I must admit that you’re better off taking a look at the other made for TV flick with the same moniker…it’s a much stronger effort and this one is sadly best left in the bargain bucket…

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:√√

Gore √

Final Girl √√

RATING: a-slash-above-logo11

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Posed for Murder 1988 Review

Posed for Murder 1988

Directed by: Brian Thomas Jones

Starring: Charlotte J. Helmkamp, Laura Flanagan, Charles Kuhune

1872782387298239839839230920922

Review by Luisito Joaquín González

I was crazily in love once, you know? We moved in together and she was so special that I even watched slasher films with her… including Cards of Death. Then she left me for a richer guy and I was stuck with my collection of tatty 8733872872982982982982VHS and a bottle of vodka. Serious. Rumours that I have kidnapped her and she’s locked in the basement with Savage Water on continuous play are totally false and erroneous and I refuse to entertain them. (Ignore those screams btw, the neighbors have a noisy kid…))78376387398298298292092

Anyway, moving on. Love is a powerful emotion and the perfect motive for a cheesy slasher picture and in Posed for Murder that’s exactly what we have. Now this is a late late entry to the cycle that I really should have posted ages ago, before it got released on DVD. If I had done that, I could have called it an a SLASH above exclusive because it was incredibly rare. Nowadays though, it can be picked up on Amazon on a shiny disc that includes two other delightful features at a budget cost. Should you click buy it now and add it to your collection? Well allow me to answer that for you in fine detail…

Laura is a topless model and a wannabe scream queen with dozens of sleazy male admirers. Her popularity is not solving her issues however and she’s feeling a little down in the dumps. It certainly not helping matters that a 873873872982982983983923092psycho with breathing difficulty is making things tougher for her. Can she find a way to stop the marauding maniac…???

Suspense. Intrigue. Gore. Tension and Terror… are all the things that you won’t find whilst watching Posed for Murder. That’s ok though because the mahoosive amount of liquified cheese that is poured all over the screen instead kind of makes up for that. Well, kinda. I mean, it takes 32 mins for the killer to actually get going, but somehow the picture manages to hold itself together and keep you interested through to the end.8733873872982982982982

The best way for me to describe the script to you is that it comes across a lot like it was written by someone that speaks English as a second language. Everything is discussed in the most basic of sentence structures and the dialogue literally gets you from A to C without even a hint that B exists. Despite this, director Brian Thomas Jones does an intriguing job of keeping each shot interesting, by setting up distinct backdrops and camera movements. They don’t always 8737637838923982982982work of course, but they help to keep up the level of momentum.

There’s a scene where our final girl has an audition with a pair of seedy filmmakers and I had to wonder if it was included to poke fun at the lead actress. They barely check if she can speak a line of dialogue before they offer her the part and I think that in reality the procedure for this production was very similar. Why bother worrying if Charlotte Helmkamp can act when she has breasts like pineapples in stockings? In fact these subtle in-jokes became something of an ongoing thing for the rest of the runtime. They can be the only logical explanation as to why her in-film director, Serge La Rue, called her a ‘method actor’. Or what about when her friend asked how she managed to perform with ‘such emotion’. Bwahahaha! Oh how we laughed. It was brilliant. Say what you want about our buxom scream queen, buy you can’t 983673873872982982982982deny that she knows how to take a joke at her own expense. Oh. Oh, ok. Sorry, I didn’t know that she wasn’t let in on that fact…? Oh in that case, I take it all back….

There was one thing though that I actually found quite interesting. Every single guy that she meets ends up flirting with her and looking down her top. I thought about this and felt how hard it must be for an attractive woman (or guy) when most men always think with head number two. What kind of opinion would you have of the male gender if all that they ever did was hit on 874e67373873984984389393093you? Is it really like that girls? Man, I need to change my approach.

So there’s not a great deal left to say. The soundtrack sums up all that was bad about eighties music and hums along over shots of spandex bound jocks working out in a gymnasium. This activity breaks up the ‘intense drama’ of our cycolina’s quest to discover the identity of the psycho maniac. Thinking about it, I guess that this could be a slasher sister of kind to Killer 18726236526526718711Workout in that sense. Chuck in a handful of diluted killings and a twist that turns out to be exactly what you thought it was all along and what you have is a fondue festival that’s cunningly disguised as a DVD. In other words, if you like ’em trashy you should give this a whirl. Just don’t bring your brain.

…Oh and about my ex-fianceé and her being locked in the cellar… I was actually joking about all that. It was four years ago now and I was lucky enough to meet my soul mate (Hi Żaneta xx) and I’m on my way to see her now. Damn. Where did I put the key to the padlock on the door to the basement…? 😉

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:

Gore: √√

Final Girl: √√√

RATING:a-slash-above-logo11

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Terror Night 1987 Review

Terror Night 1988

aka Bloody Movie

Directed by: Nick Marino (Andre De Toth rumoured)

Starring: John Ireland, Cameron Mitchell, Alan Hale Jr.

Review by Luisito Joaquín González

This is an update of the review that I posted on the IMDB many years ago. I think that I wrote something like 2,500 words, so I have condensed it down to the bare minimum for you 🙂

Produced in 1987, Terror Night became the 746746746737837slasher movie equivalent of the Holy Grail for horror enthusiasts after it never secured its expected release. We waited for twenty 74784874387383years until it finally crept out almost unnoticed on a budget DVD with a cruddy transfer. During production, it had been covered in various horror fanzines, meaning that when a launch date never arrived, fans were left wondering what exactly happened. It became like an urban legend with people knowing someone who knew somebody else that had seen it, but it wasn’t until the late nineties when I came across a German subtitled bootleg copy that I was sure that it even existed.

It is believed that copyright wrangles with additional footage, which was ‘borrowed’ from classic movies for inclusion to the story, prevented Terror Night from gaining public exposure. There are also purely unconfirmed reports that it was funded by mob money, which adds a real Hollywood-style twist to its reputation. I must admit that I find that hard to believe, because the Mafia in Los Angeles surely had better things to throw their money at than an entry to a dying craze, which the slasher was by 1988. With that said, I have also read a report that stated that Nick Marino’s Mafioso cousin got him involved in the production as a favour and convinced Andre De Toth to sign on to help the inexperienced 985875849839393débutant. Perhaps they made De Toth an offer that he couldn’t refuse? Did he find a horse’s head in his bed one morning? Anyway, a few pre-screeners saw the light of day, which were then copied privately and passed around on the VHS black-market, but up 736736732142362until very recently, it had remained locked in a studio vault. The unfortunate production problems admittedly gave the film a somewhat alluring edge and I was happy when I finally got my hands on a watchable print.

A group of youngsters decide to spend the night in the dilapidated Hollywood mansion of one-time screen idol Lance Hayward. Hayward has been missing for over forty years and despite rumours that he emigrated to Europe, it is believed that he died many years ago. The teenagers soon learn that this is not true as Hayward begins stalking and slaughtering the group one by one, whilst donning costumes of the characters from his previous cinematic adventures.

Had Terror Night been released as had been intended by the production team, I predict that it would have been a relatively popular addition to the category and a good 78784674784875757854874874seller on the VHS and drive-in markets. It boasts many of the essential ingredients that made its more successful genre counterparts household names, including a young and attractive cast, some decent bloody deaths, credible gore and a unique antagonist.

The use of retro movie footage to accompany the murders was an interesting touch; even though it almost certainly proved to play a key part in the film’s downfall and ruined any chance of the ongoing franchise that producers during this period would have hoped for. Despite sticking closely to the familiar rulebook, the key source of influence seems to stem from the 1980 thriller, Fade to Black. The synopsis is incredibly similar, although Terror Night gives its all to be an out and out slasher flick, whereas Fade to Black promised so much but turned out to be nothing of the sort.

The cast do a good enough job with what they are given, especially the old-timers who seem to be having a ball with their small cameos. Cameron Mitchell turns up for an awesome slice of scene-874874784874chewing and like all the senior screen veterans, he seems to be motivated to do more than just phone-in a few lines for the paycheque. The various choices of costume for the killer provide a good dose of cheesy fun (I especially enjoyed the maniacal knight-in-armour) and the murders are almost always energetic and gory. Screen queen Michelle Bauer comes along for her usual shift of getting naked and then viciously slaughtered and porn hottie Jamie Summers is also included for a rare non-adult film role to up the eye-candy factor.

First (and last) time director Nick Marino creates little in terms of tension or suspense and his modus operandi seemed to be little more than point the camera, shoot what was in front of him and then shout ‘Cut’! Andre De Toth’s involvement in the direction of a share of the scenes is a rumour that has never been confirmed or denied, but either way, there’s nothing exceptional here to be noted. He gets a thank you in the closing credits, which adds some weight to the case, but unfortunately, 76without the press package that would have accompanied Terror Night if it had secured a better release, there is little way of knowing for sure who worked on what.

Perhaps the flaws that we come across whilst watching are also to be blamed on the problematic production? The sets are inadequately lighted to the point of frustration in places and they lack the visual gloss that their creative layouts deserved. The story is also somewhat rushed and unclear and fails to deliver a satisfying resolution to the puzzle that it works so hard on creating throughout the length of the runtime. We never find out if our bogeyman is actually a ghost or just a semi-supernatural ninety-year-old with the appearance of someone half that age. Would these blemishes have been ironed out if the movie had not have come up against so many issues during and after the shoot? It is really hard to say and we will never know for sure when it was decided that Terror Night would not secure worldwide circulation17373673. Perhaps the filmmakers never got the chance to add the finishing touches that would have given their project a more ‘completed’ feel. The campy ending however can’t be blamed on disjointed development 84874674873873woes. It’s pure eighties cheese on toast slasher screenwriting at its funniest – you just have to check it out!

It’s as clear as a polished crystal that Terror Night didn’t have the most straight forward journey on to budget DVD. Even if there are a handful of weak moments, none of them look to have been big or bad enough to have kept the movie in a vault for so long. It has enough in its gore coated handbag to satisfy fans that are looking for an obscure and fun genre-piece that does deliver the goods. It’s packed to the brim with hokey gore and excessive nudity, which makes it an almost perfect exploitation piece.

I briefly thought about adding Terror Night to my top 50 slasher pictures category here on a SLASH above, but I finally decided against it. Still, it is quite a quirky slasher picture and I really enjoyed sitting down to watch it.

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise:√√√√

Gore √√√

Final Girl √√

RATING:

1738673652367287111

Dreamaniac 1986 Review

Dreamaniac 1986

Directed by: David DeCoteau

Starring: Thomas Bern, Ashlyn Gere, Sylvia Summers

Review by Luisito Joaquín González

It’s hardly a secret that a surprisingly large percentage of superstar actors of the past thirty years began their career somewhere within the slasher genre. Whilst those specific faces (George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Eva Mendes etc) went on to find fortune and fame beyond the realms of masked killers and screaming teens, there were a few artists that seemed content to dwindle in the security of B-movie minor-budget rhapsody. These include the likes of Fred Olen Ray, David A. Prior, Steve Jarvis, Linnea Quigley and the most relevant for this write-up, David DeCoteau. Today, I want to explore with DeCoteau as the example if it was the fact that he had reached the height of his talent that forced him to stay in the kingdom of penny-budgets or if it was a choice that he made due to his love of So I look like Wilma from the Flintstones. Well what's wrong with that?cheese on toast horror…

Dreamanic was his first excursion into slasher land and although not particularly groundbreaking, it does have a few novel aspects that warrant a mention. Female scribe Helen Robinson has given us a story unique enough to make this one of the select few of the 600 or so genre entries that juxtaposes elements from giants Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street, without straying too far outside of the stalk and slash guide book. Whilst titles such as Pledge Night and the rancid The Oracle gave up their places in the cycle by edging too far into the realms of supernatural futility, Dreamaniac remains true enough to the trappings to be worthy of inspection here on a SLASH above

The movie centres on a gang of fun loving stereotypical period teens who end up battling a deranged menace. Boasting a baby face that makes him look like an extra from The Sorcerer’s Stone, protagonist Adam (Thomas Bern) shows his eighties credibility by spending most of the flick running around in a groovy Def Leppard t-shirt. Despite looking like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, surprisingly Adam is a part time Satanist with a passion for black magic rituals. His bubble-haired girlfriend Pat (Ashlyn Gere) has no idea that her beau spends his spare time conjuring dark spirits from beyond the grave, and often she wonders why he spends so much time alone in his room. In an attempt to bring him out of his shell for a few hours, Pat has organised a huge party at her boyfriend’s vacant abode. The guest list includes all the typical sure-fire body count ingredients and Great Hair! And an award winning porn career awaitedbefore long they arrive and get the beer flowing.

Unbeknownst to them, Adam has summoned a porn star-like succubus from another dimension and it goes without saying that she has arrived with a taste for blood. Before long the corpses begin to mount as the maniacal fiend begins seducing the male guests and then butchering them in various imaginative ways. Will anyone be able to stop the demon? Or will the rampage continue for the chance of a profit-escalating sequel?

After the inevitable Halloween-alike synthesizer score, DeCoteau  leads us along a surprisingly unique path that’s filled with imaginative twists, turns and stepping stones. There’s a fair bit of originality in the bogeyman’s Freddy/Michael 8732476437643764376Myers conjunction that allows the movie to develop a few authentic ideas. Towards the finale, we get zombies and various other supernatural gimmicks that add a welcomed touch of spice to the story; and the borders of the standard slasher template are elasticated to stretch into new realms. When compared to the majority of features from the same year like Evil Laugh or Night Ripper, DeCoteau’s effort offers much more in terms of creativity and flair. Although the “too gory for the silver screen” boast from the hyperbole packaging is definitely a half-truth, there are one or two credibly handled splatter scenes. Tom Schwartz’s power drill decapitation can rank amongst the neatest killings of the genre and the gruesome hand impalement that precedes it is also impressive.dreamaniac-1986-movie-7

Sadly, despite a couple of ambitious camera angles, it is fairly easy to see why DeCoteau has never taken his career above SOV and DTV status. At times, the movie fails to generate any kind of atmosphere at all, which is extremely disappointing. The constant homo-erotic references that would become his trademark are in full flow and there’s the usual amount of cheese and ear numbing hair metal to keep things nostalgic.

As is the case with so many eighties slashers, the film’s biggest flaw is the humdrum work from the bubblegum 87373653cast. It’s also worth noting that these ‘actors’ have the worst hairstyles ever featured collectively in a runtime. It is kind of like a hair horror movie or something ; – with the real bogeyman being the stylist that’s holding an afro-comb in the dressing room. Even if the dramatics are most definitely those of the ‘high school play’ variety, funnily enough there was a soon to be “award winning screen actress” amongst the hopefuls. Ashlyn Gere (yes her again), the ‘star’ of Evil Laugh and Lunch Meat would give up on feature films and go on to become a big name in the porn industry. She even directed her own adult movie! I must admit that I like female killers very much, but the nut job here is not the best advertisement for psychos in stilettos. We want our maniacs to look creepy and disfigured or at least slightly deranged. This succubus is little more than a washed-up Kim Basinger… no fair!27363543

Pushing the imaginative work of the screenwriter to one side, there’s not much here to warrant hunting out a copy of Dreamaniac. Despite giving you the false hope that it’ll taste like a Nandos after a night on the San Miguels, it ends up more like a greasy kebab that you found on the table the next morning. It’s just that it fails to build on a promising foundation. There are a lot better efforts floating around, but I guess that for people like us – 673653653the slasher enthusiasts – it’s worth seeing for a couple of cool gore scenes.

The highlight of Decoteau’s career thereafter – I mean, his biggest motion picture – would be Puppet Master III. He did return to the slasher genre, with The Frightening, Final Scream and the sequel to Jeff Obrow’s Legend of the Mummy, which funnily enough plays more like a stalk and slash flick. Aside from that, he would remain a big-enough figure in B-Movies to have made a name that almost everyone in horror is aware of, which is a considerable feat. I cannot be sure if he is satisfied that he has reached the peak of his ambition, but I think he can be proud of his contributions to cinema. His ship never quite rolled in close enough to take him to the level of the names that I mentioned in my opening paragraph, but he carved out a career that has seen him roll out almost a hundred titles. Not bad for a guy that constantly works on the smallest of budgets.

Slasher Trappings

Killer Guise:

Gore: √√√

Final Girl: √√

RATING:

54536372728287575

Porn Shoot Massacre 2009 Review

Porn Shoot Massacre 2009

Directed by: Corbin Timbrook

Starring: Robert Ambrose, Naomi Cruz, Nick Machado

Review by Luisito Joaquín González
As I write this, I’m thirty-one years old and still obsessed with tracking down and reviewing every slasher film ever released. Sometimes, even a few that haven’t been. Don’t ask me why I do it, because I’ll never know, but it’s probably a hobby that I’ll take to the grave with me. I might as well just have, ‘a 904984875SLASH above‘ written on my tombstone…Anyway, the people I associate and live with aren’t as keen on these pictures as me, so I generally convert them to MP4, load them on my iPad and watch away whilst on my way to work. This has never been a problem for me, until I got round to Porn Shoot Massacre. I was on a long train journey and in the seat opposite me, was a young and rather timid looking lady. I hit play and almost turned red when the first thing on the screen was a silicone embedded chica stark naked for about five-minutes. I turned my pad away from her line of sight a tad too late and I guess that only the Lord must 6236367372387282know what she thought of me. Being caught watching what purely and simply looks like a porno movie on the train is not the best experience that I’ve ever had. I only have myself to blame though, because the warning is right there in the title.

Unlike Bloodbath in Psycho Town, Porn Shoot Massacre does not have a misleading moniker. We get porn, we get a shoot and we get a massacre. It does what it says on the tin. It’s another of those ‘charming’ zero budget new age features that chuck in an erotic angle to grab an audience. Other examples of this phenomenon are Fantom Killer, Massacre at Rocky Ridge and Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre. They are usually worthy only of being stacked in a pile and never watched again, but Rocky Ridge was unique enough to re-set my expectation levels. Could Colin Timbrook’s slasher do the same?

A new director in town is hiring all the local Adult talent for a shoot in an abandoned warehouse. They turn up to perform, but find his eccentric style somewhat overpowering. Soon it becomes apparent that there’s also a masked killer on set and they need to stick together to escape…

Many times in my short film reviewing history I have written quips like, ‘dramatics that would shame a porno film’. That’s not going to work here though, because the cast of Timbrook’s opus are pretty much all Adult movie stars. Damn, I’ll have to start thinking of something else cocky to write. Anyway, let’s get down to basics. What we have here is an exploitation flick that chooses boobies over blood and guts. If you love watching strumpets whip off their kits, then this is the place for you to be. We get various soft porn embraces with plenty of gusto and they even chuck in a lesbian scene just for the hell of it.

In between all that nonsense, we thankfully get reminded that we are watching a slasher film. The hulking killer turns up regularly to do his thing and the murders are fairly creative. He stalks throughout the shadows in a warehouse behind the set and picks off his victims when they wander out the back. As I mentioned earlier, we don’t see too much gore, but I think this is most definitely down to the financiers being priced out of their ambition by cigar 784786476chopping special effects guys and their high wage demands. The good news is that the low amount of crimson is kind of made up for by the pure brutality of the slaughters. Especially the first one, which is actually quite shocking.

Where the movie really surprised me was with its ambitious story. It’s a good attempt at building a macabre surrounding for the characters and a fairly authentic motive. It does suffer from predictability a bit, but I personally quite liked the conclusion. The performances are awful, but it’s worth mentioning the guy who plays the psycho killer. His grunting and heavy breath was effectively conveyed. We get a campy director, who also steals scenes for all the wrong reasons. The way he was dressed with his eighties Top Gun shades, thin moustache and ‘awkward’ beard made me think of the hilarious DJ from the old school slasher, The Scaremaker. Unfortunately the chances of him becoming a classic cheese-ball persona are ruined by poor dramatisation, an awful attempt at an English accent and a late story revelation that totally ruins the cheesiness. Still, as you can see in the picture opposite, at least for a while, his image does bring a smile.

As I can’t really see too many young ladies liking this film, let me put it the simplest possible way to my male readers. You go to the disco to get your drink on. You are checking out the dance floor and getting ready to make 7476487483498393093your move. Do you go for A) the girl shaking her booty in the ‘belt like’ skirt and tattoos who invested $10,000 on ‘bodily improvements’. Or do you go for B) The shy little cutie in the corner that’s drinking a soda water and lime? If the answer to that question is A, then this my friends will light your fire. If you are choosing B, you will probably be as embarrassed as I was.

Porn Shoot Massacre deserves a pat on the back for having one or two surprisingly effective flourishes. The only thing that ruins it for me is the skyscraper level of unnecessary nudity. The odd T&A shot is as much an ingredient to the cycle as a masked killer, but the stuff featured here makes this more smutty than creepy. I am not knocking that though. How could I with a film titled Porn Shoot 87478478484984383933Massacre? Features like these DO have an audience and this is most definitely one that can only be recommended to them. It’s nowhere near as atrocious as something like Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre, but I still think that most of you will find no real entertainment value.

If I ever see that lady on the train again, I’m going to make sure that I’m watching something like, Dear John or When a Man Loves a Woman. I still have nightmares about that unbelievably ‘uncomfortable’ moment. If you are reading my dear, I’m not a raving porn freak… Lol

Slasher Trappings:

Killer Guise: √√√

Gore: √

Final Girl: √

RATING:

4875875487484894984